Over-rated Japanese Film of the Week: Ichi the Killer

I'm not even sure where to start with this disaster of a movie. I suppose, as a preface, I should note that I love Japanese cinema...assuming that it's either from the middle of the 20th century and earlier or the person directing it is Akira Kurosawa.

Unfortunately, this panders to the Japanese, "we buy used panties and have porn where live eels shoot out women's asses, but we use a mosaic blur on the genitalia" cinema crowd. Honestly, I can't even remember the plot outside of the fact that there's a disturbed yellow haired guy who has blades in his shoes, so I found a summary on some other website:

Ichi's plot is simplistic at best. A severely dysfunctional young man named Ichi (Nao Omori) becomes an assassin for hire after being hypnotized by Jijii (Shinya Tsukamoto, director of the Tetsuo films). Jijii has convinced Ichi that he was bullied as a youth, and witness to a brutal rape. This rage allows the young man to slaughter any who angers him by utilizing the twin blades hidden in the ends of his shoes. Culturedose.net

The reason I can't remember the plot is that the movie was so terrible my body forced itself into a coma so that I would not subject myself to this dreck. Some fan of the movie may accuse me of being disgusted by the gore or other nonsense, but this is just not true. I'm all for gratuitous violence and scenes of hatred and malice. This movie does it in a way that is just plain stupid. Sure some guy is tortured by being hung up on hooks, and sure the hero cuts people up with blades on his feet...but WHO CARES? The following sequence does not make a movie: Flashing lights, Flashing lights, I kill you now, blood flying, what you say? The end. That summarizes any given point of the film. This movie may be about sadomasochism, but only the true masochist can watch it all the way through.

It all boils down to this: Do not see this movie under any circumstances. Do not think you are being cool by watching a hip Japanese movie. Do not think that modern Japanese cinema makes any sense. You have been warned.

The Good:

• That I fell asleep about 30 minutes into the movie and was in and out of consciousness the rest of the time.

The Bad:

• This movie is rated a 7.1/10 by IMDB users.
• Natural resources were used to make this DVD and its packaging.
• Japanese have eel porn.
  

The Ugly:

• I used 10 dollars of a Best Buy gift card to purchase this.
• That I was swayed by buzz on the Internet. (Never a good idea)
• This is the worst movie I've ever had the displeasure of almost viewing.

posted by Drone @ 10:54 PM Comments: 1